Better Communication
The spoken word is an extension of the mind, our neurocognitive patterns. Each concept is stored in our neurons and attached to similar concepts in networks related to our environment. These arrangements are taught by caregivers to each generation, who then slowly adapt this language to the changing world. However, the process is very slow, so our current communication is built on tribalism, which splits others into “us” and “them,” emphasizing enmeshed, hierarchical relationships within the tribe. This supports control and dependency, producing codependence.
NonViolent Communication (NVC) identifies the basic elements of psychotherapeutic communication, enabling healthier interactions.
Principles
Breakfast Table Political Argument by Norman Rockwell, 1948
Humanizing Interactions
NVC adjusts how we listen and speak with the goal of connecting to others using natural compassion, clarity, and understanding. Its language and self-expression approach supports humanization, even when that’s difficult. NVC carefully observes and notes behaviors or conditions that affect us and others, then offers deep listening focus, respect, and empathy. This elicits mutual support — without codependency.
NVC separates communication into four parts:
Observations of visible actions impacting our well-being.
Feelings about observations.
Desires (needs), wants, values, etc. causing our feelings.
Requests we can make to improve connection and life enrichment.
Honest expression and empathetic receiving in these four components applies in diverse situations – relationships, families, peers, organizations, conflicts, etc., places previously subjected to tribalistic, power-oriented communication.
Life-Alienating Communication
Life-Alienating Communication blocks compassion and causes violence toward others and the self. It creates and perpetuates alienation and divisions that silence dialogue. This serves hierarchical, dominating systems that are controlled by a small few. They use communication for group cohesion at best, and personal benefit at worst. Kings, nobles, leaders, parents, cults, and plutocracies often have this tribal mentality. It can be especially difficult for parents to be authoritative, without becoming authoritarian. Examples of life-alienating communication are:
Moralistic judgments imply someone with different values is bad. Ex. blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, and diagnoses. “You are selfish,” “Asshole!” “They are prejudiced, privileged, socialist, racist, narcissistic,” “You’re being disobedient,” etc.
Comparisons (such as beauty, intelligence, or advantage) create misery that blocks compassion towards both the self and other people. Our mindset becomes static, emphasizing self-justification, and our growth stalls.
Denial of Responsibility obscures our options. We choose which thoughts and feelings are us, and pick our actions. “The boss told me to lie” or “All my friends use drugs,” or “You have to, whether you like it or not.”
Framing Desires as Demands threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply (explicitly or implicitly). Focusing on who deserves what (“he deserves to be punished, she deserves to feel safe.”) prevents compassion and obscures observed actions.
Communication Approach
1 - Observing without Evaluating
Separation between observations and evaluations is key to mutual understanding. When the two merge, others only hear our “static” evaluation. These generalizations are not useful. Ex. “You are too generous” or “Harry is a poor soccer player” is a static evaluation.
Use evaluations based on clear observations that are specific to time and context. “When you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous,” or “Harry has not scored a goal in the last 30 games,” or “You often call people names so I feel guarded around you.”
2 - Identifying and Expressing Feelings
Feelings are different from thoughts, assessments, or interpretations. We often use “feel” without expressing a feeling. “I feel like I didn’t get a fair deal,” can be replaced by “I think I didn’t get a fair deal,” for accuracy.
Mature people experience emotions not as single notes, but as waves of music. A rich vocabulary allows us to clearly identify our emotions, connecting better with others. Vulnerably expressing our feelings can help diffuse or resolve conflicts – people often respond to feelings with compassion or mutual sharing.
Sharing our feelings does not entitle us to the actions or behavior of others, but identifying our negative feelings allows to process our subconscious ruminations and take action to feel differently.
3 - Responsibility for Feelings
Desires create our feelings. Others’ actions may stimulate but never create our feelings. We choose one of four responses:
Blame ourselves - “I should have been more sensitive.”
Blame others - “You are the most selfish person I know.”
Sense and share our feelings and desires – “When you called me selfish, I felt hurt because I want recognition for my efforts to consider your preferences.”
Sense and seek to understand the other person’s feelings and desires hidden in the negative message – “Are you feeling hurt because you want more consideration for your preferences?”
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are projected expressions of desires and values. “You never understand me” means the desire to be understood is not being fulfilled. Expressing desires indirectly with evaluations, interpretations, and images sounds like criticism or blame, and creates self-defense or counter-attack. Directly connecting feelings to desires helps others respond with compassion.
Developing emotional responsibility has 3 stages:
Emotional Slavery – holding ourselves responsible for others’ feelings, emphasizing their desires.
Avoidant Resistance – refusing to care about others’ feelings or desires.
Emotional Liberation – accepting responsibility for our feelings but not others’ feelings, seeking to meet our desires but not at others’ expense.
The goal of connecting to our desires is to voice the good things we want and emphasize the positive way we want to feel, rather than remaining focused on the negative emotions and leaving our loved ones in the dark.
4 - Requesting Connection and Life Enrichment
When desires go unfulfilled, we can make a request that might satisfy the desire. Remember:
Speak clearly and concisely — these requests are received best, so avoid vague phrasing.
Use actionable requests rather than complex feeling demands (a vague, emotionally complex, negative request is “I don’t want to feel alone”).
State wants rather than what we do not want (a clear, actionable, positive request is “I want to be greeted with a hug”).
Messages can get mixed up, so ask what others heard to avoid unproductive conversations. Express appreciation when your listener tries to reflect or paraphrase your request. Empathize if they don’t want to reflect the request back – they’re feeling defensive and are self-protecting.
Demands limit responses to submission or rebellion. Demands use criticism, judgment, or indifference while requests use empathy. Listeners may hear demands when they fear punishment – let them know they can refuse the request. After the request, we want to know the listener’s responsive feelings, thoughts, and willingness to act.
The goal is to notice our requests, then communicate honestly and empathically regardless of the outcome.
Emotional Reorientation
Mother and Child by Mary Cassatt, 1890
Receiving Empathically
Empathy is a respectful understanding of others' experience without preconceived ideas and judgments. Empathy allows others to show vulnerability, releasing tension, anger, and anxiety. To show empathy:
First, express personal desires and feelings when asking for information. Ex. “I want to feel closer to you. What happened when…”
Reflect intense emotional messages, paraphrasing with compassion and understanding.
Support full expression before turning attention to solutions or requests for relief.
Care about others' desires rather emphasizing their thinking.
We need empathy to give it. The inability to empathize is often a sign of not receiving empathy. When we get defensive or lack empathy:
Stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy.
Exercise or scream to release tension (low, into a pillow, or in a parked car)
Take time out.
The Power of Empathy
Giving empathy allows us to stay vulnerable, defuse conflict, hear ‘no’ without feeling rejected, revive dead conversations, and be present in silence. It makes self-expression easier because we see shared qualities. When we see the feelings and desires of others, it’s less frightening to open up.
Empathy is harder when we feel small or emphasize power, status, or resources. It may be difficult to empathize with those closest to us or when we have a longer history together. Yet people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they feel heard empathetically. We can expressly state our desire for connection and request insight to help that connection.
The essential ability is awareness of the feelings and desires a person is experiencing in the moment.
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt, 1669
Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves
In NVC we mourn when we make mistakes, embracing sadness and using self-forgiveness to find ways to grow. Mourning our behavior affirms unmet desires and feelings we are less than we want to be. It is a compassionate regret that helps us learn without hating or blaming ourselves.
Self-forgiveness is recognizing the desires we tried to meet with the regretted action.
Self-compassion is embracing all parts of ourselves and identifying the desires and values of each part. (This includes appropriate, controlled expressions of our aggressive and sexual drives.) A self-compassionate state chooses to meet desires and values, rather than acting due to greed, perfection, guilt, shame, anger, or punishment.
Change is then driven by a desire to contribute successfully to the well-being of ourselves and others. Moving from “have to” to “choose to” reveals opportunities for play and integrity. When acting to not enrich our lives, evaluate moment by moment to inspire change. Consider the direction we would like to go with respect and compassion for ourselves.
Expressing Anger
Anger is caused by thoughts of blame and judgment. Anger protects us from internal shame or sadness related to loss or failure. Punishing others is a dominating or self-protecting expression of anger. Others are far more likely to support a desire than respond to judging, blaming, or punishing.
We are solely responsible for our anger. It can be valuable when it reveals a desire not being met or a defensive thought. Before expressing anger, take sole responsibility and recognize the underlying desire.
Stop, breathe.
Identify judgemental thoughts.
Connect with unmet desires.
Express feelings and unmet desires.
Before expressing desires, empathizing with others can help them listen to us.
Notice language to identify blame, judgments, and comparisons causing anger. “Should” has enormous power to create shame, guilt, and blame. “I should have known better,” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” Stop “shoulding” all over yourself. Likewise, “is,” “are,” and “am” are indications of limiting declarations that encourage comparison or judgment. These often accompany entitled thoughts related to “deserve,” possibly misused as “need.”
Internal anger comes from judgments, labels, and blame about what people “should” do or “deserve” related to who they “are.” List the judgments that float in your thoughts by using the cue “I don’t like people who are ….” Then reframe your thinking in terms of unmet desires “I want to be someone who …”
Appreciation
We express appreciation to celebrate, rather than compel behavior or manipulate. The joy of appreciation can be spoiled by ulterior motives. We can also separate appreciation according to NVC. We note actions that contributed to our well-being, desires that were fulfilled, and the pleasurable feelings that resulted.
Some struggle to receive appreciation, often to avoid feelings of superiority or false humility. Try receiving appreciation with the same empathy expressed when listening to others’ messages. Consider the other’s desire to feel connected and supportive to us.
Important Notes
Protective Use of Force
NVC applies in situations where dialogue is possible. When it isn’t, such as instances of imminent danger, use of force may be necessary to protect life or individual rights, property, etc. However, NVC asserts that force is not used to prevent injustice, to punish, or to cause suffering, repentance, or change.
Punitive force generates hostility and reinforces resistance to the desired behavior. Fear of punishment focuses on consequences — not on desires — reducing self-esteem and goodwill. Rewards incentivize or elicit responses, while punishment disincentivizes or prevents actions. Blame and punishment fail to create the motivations we want to inspire in others. Consider how we want to change behavior:
“What do I want this person to do differently from what they are currently doing?”
“What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I am asking?”
Self-Love and External Relationships
NVC enhances inner communication by translating negative internal messages into feelings and desires. Identifying our own feelings and desires and then empathizing with ourselves can free us from depression or obsessive thoughts. Noticing desires, rather than problems with self and others, encourages a more peaceful state of mind. By adopting these skills and awareness, we create encounters that are genuine, open, and mutual, rather than establishing “professional” relationships of emotional distance, diagnosis, and hierarchy.
