How Intimate Relationships Reprogram Our Subconscious Mind
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, In Bed the Kiss
The subconscious drives everyday activity. Most of the brain is unconscious. Consciousness alone has very little power to control behavior and almost no impact without training. Most of our behavior is determined by the unconscious parts of our cortex and by the limbic system, the chemical part of the brain. The subconscious therefore has all the power, while consciousness is very limited.
Consciousness, or the PFC (prefrontal cortex), has two important functions. When it is an automatic process, the first, most simple function of the PFC is clearer, which is resisting initial responses, protecting us from rash behavior. The second, more complex function is to support and plan long-term problem-solving through executive function. This is generally difficult and must be trained. However, we can more easily train these impulses by placing the PFC in a theta-wave state, also known as hypnosis.
Children are already in a state of theta brainwave activity until somewhere around age 5 to 6. This allows access to the subconscious for encoding behavior to their initial environment and protecting them from danger. This often causes early childhood memories to fade to the subconscious, and is a mercy for new parents who are figuring out how to parent. Adults are more rigid and resistant to change, but there are brain hacks like dance, music, and other trance-inducing practices that allow us to change the subconscious at a faster rate. This includes sleeping, or rather, we cross through a trance state before and after sleeping. This means whatever we meditate on as we’re falling asleep or waking up is more quickly written into us as an unspoken belief, as deep unconscious knowledge.
Interestingly, avoidance of the theta wave state can be one of the reasons we resist sleeping. Our thoughts are too chaotic, and there's too much activity to relax, too many unspoken thoughts that will roll around in our head until morning. We may also fear improperly encoding our brain with whatever occurs before sleeping. Resisting sleep or resisting talking about problems can therefore feel like self-protection and can become a habit. Yet rumination can come to dominate our nighttime routine and still seeps into our subconscious. Extroverts generally sleep better, having discussed and released their thoughts.
This is why our relationships are important. we need to talk things through to find the reality of the world then know that we are still loved. If we go to sleep being hated, being told terrible things about ourselves, feeling daggers or overlooked, these words and feelings will find their way into our subconscious as if they were said to a child. Such words can cause us to feel as if we are under threat. We may therefore try to go to sleep feeling hurt when we wish to sabotage our relationship and place distance between us and a partner. We may unwillingly find ourselves belittled and growing dependent when we lack control and self-assertiveness and sleep on a head full of thoughts. We will cultivate a growing sense of distance, not as protection but as powerlessness. Conversely, if we wake up to being loved and loving, and go to sleep in love and gratitude, will we believe that the world is full of possibilities, even if there is conflict throughout the day. Our relationship will feel secure. We will bond to our partner and bond them to us.
Perhaps this is the origin of the proverb, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” The greatest impact our consciousness has on us and our loved ones is in directing how we enter the stage between the conscious and subconscious mind. Regardless of the fights that happen during the day, if we can speak and show love and forgiveness before sleeping, and find connection when we wake, we can become more secure people. We will help our loved ones become more secure people too.
