How Intimate Relationships Reprogram Our Subconscious Mind
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, In Bed the Kiss
The subconscious drives everyday activity. Most of the brain is unconscious. Consciousness alone has very little power to control behavior and almost no impact without training. Most of our behavior is determined by the unconscious parts of our cortex and by the limbic system, the chemical part of the brain. The subconscious therefore has all the power, while consciousness is very limited.
Consciousness, or the PFC (prefrontal cortex), has two important functions. When it is an automatic process, the first, most simple function of the PFC is clearer, which is resisting initial responses, protecting us from rash behavior. The second, more complex function is to support and plan long-term problem-solving through executive function. This is generally difficult and must be trained. However, we can more easily train these impulses by placing the PFC in a theta-wave state, also known as hypnosis.
Children are already in a state of theta brainwave activity. This allows access to the subconscious for encoding behavior to their initial environment and protecting them from danger. Adults are more rigid and resistant to change, but there are brain hacks, including dance, music, and other trance-inducing practices. This includes sleeping, or rather, we cross through a trance state before and after sleeping. This means whatever we meditate on as we’re falling asleep or waking up becomes written into us as an unspoken belief, as deep, unconscious knowledge.
Interestingly, avoidance of the theta wave state can be one of the reasons we resist sleeping. Our thoughts are too chaotic, and there's too much activity to relax. We may also fear improperly encoding our brain with whatever occurs before sleeping. Resisting sleep can therefore feel like self-protection and can become a habit.
This is why the choice of partner is important. If we go to sleep being hated, being told terrible things about ourselves and feeling daggers, these words and feelings will find their way into our subconscious as if they were said to a child. Such words can cause us to feel as if we are under threat. We may therefore go to sleep feeling hurt if we wish to sabotage our relationship but cannot find the courage, or we may unwillingly find ourselves belittled and growing dependent when we lack the control to make better partner choices. Conversely, if we wake up to being loved or loving and go to sleep in love and gratitude, we believe that the world is full of possibilities and our relationship is secure. We bond to our partner and bond them to us.
Perhaps this is the origin of the proverb, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Regardless, it is worth knowing that the greatest impact our consciousness has on us is in the stages between the twilight of consciousness and subconsciousness. Whatever fights happen during the day, if we can speak or show love and forgiveness before and after sleeping, we can become better people and help our loved ones become better people too.
