How to Talk With Kids, Effectively
The Facts of Life, Norman Rockwell, 1951, illustrates postural aggression.
Parenting is a significant responsibility and a life-changing role, yet we parents are rarely trained for the task. Most of us learn how to parent haphazardly, from trial-and-error, entertainment, friends, or experiences with our parents, all while we struggle to survive. This leads to ineffective choices, which cause conflicts with our kids, spousal friction, and inconsistent results in the role closest to our hearts. It’s so easy to do better.
In this article, we’ll discuss principles from CBT and PET (Parent Effectiveness Training), which work closely with Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which I also recommend reading through. We’ll emphasize personal growth and authenticity for better relationships with our children. That may sound surprising. Our recent ancestors thought that control, power, corporal punishment, and even abuse by leaders produced the best parenting results. They were wrong. Groupthink and autocracy are fatally flawed remnants of tribal systems. Dominated and emotionally neglected children develop mental health issues, collapsing into failure, scattering into chaos, or retaliating with vengeance. That is not the way.
Ranchers don’t even “break” horses anymore, but leverage trust-based approaches for willing partnerships, gaining buy-in from their animals. How could we do less with kids? Openness—not authority—creates healthier relationships, deeper trust, and stronger kids. Both parents and children have needs, limits, and emotions. When we share these, children sense our authenticity, feel understood, and respect our boundaries as a result. When parents model a healthy, humanizing approach to the world, kids learn empathy and resilience.
Acceptance Supports Discipline
Acceptance is at the core of trust. Children trust adults who accept themselves. Kids who feel accepted are more likely to trust adults with their thoughts, problems, and hopes. We don't have to approve of harmful behaviors, but when we see kids as they are (instead of who we want them to be or who they are not) we can help guide their behaviors while helping them feel valued. A belief in one’s acceptance is the foundation of positive action and discipline — failure isn’t seen as a threat to the security that acceptance provides.
Children don’t need flawless predictability — they need consistency with honesty. Authenticity is more effective than projecting a unified façade, if moderated so that children still feel protected. Parents who can admit when they are tired, stressed, or unsure (even as they continue to parent) demonstrate to their children that emotions and limits are a normal part of life. This prevents the unrealistic expectations of authority figures as perfect deities or emotionless, operational managers, while still supporting security.
Acceptance between parents also matters to children. Parents who can disagree publicly (at home) while modeling respectful argumentation teach children positive problem-solving and compromise. Children will be more likely to learn self-assertion and self-respect, as well as respect for others.
False Acceptance
It is possible to accept a child while still setting expectations for behavior. Ex. Feeling angry is acceptable but hitting or saying mean things is harmful. Separating the person from the behavior prevents corrosive shame and teaches responsibility. Pretending to accept a child’s behavior or emotions but internally resenting or judging them erodes trust. Children will know. Real acceptance requires self-awareness and an honest appraisal of one’s limits.
Quality parents acknowledge their humanity— their needs, mistakes, and vulnerabilities—but still model self-respect and strength while holding quality but realistic goals for their children. This promotes resilience, empathy, and authenticity. Our children follow our lead and replicate our behavior, and gain positive aims.
Ownership of Emotions
PET emphasizes emotional ownership to clarify when to 1) listen or 2) express needs. The person experiencing the feeling often determines ownership.
When feeling upset, the parent takes ownership.
When a child struggles with something that does not directly affect the parent, the child takes ownership, with our help.
Sometimes both can affect each other and both can take responsibility for their feelings.
Listening so Kids Will Talk to You
Children's Concert, George Lakovidis, 1900
Listening shows acceptance, that kids' feelings and experiences matter. Over time, listening builds trust and improves communication, which are damaged by judgment, advice-giving, preaching, and dismissing feelings. Instead, reflect and clarify to help the child explore their experience. This encourages self-awareness and problem-solving.
Children notice tone and body language. They know, subconsciously, if the parent respects their perspective. Nonverbal cues—eye contact, posture, facial expression, and relaxed tone—communicate acceptance more powerfully than words. Actively listening without interruption and caring allows children the time to work through their feelings.
Use active listening when the child feels emotional and the problem does not directly impact our rights or needs. Reflecting feelings and summarizing help kids (and adults) to feel understood. Short, neutral phrases like “tell me more” or “that sounds important” can be door-openers to conversation without imposing our views or solutions. Active listening requires empathy, patience, and tolerance for hearing things we may not like, but the reward for respecting a child’s personhood is a genuine connection.
Timing and intention matter. As hard as it is not to do, listening only to input will undermine your child’s trust. Engaging then judging or rejecting confuses kids and hurts their feelings and autonomy. Parroting words without empathy is mechanical. Trying to listen during distractions can be ineffective. Also, listening is not a substitute for parental safety responsibilities.
PET can even help with infants and toddlers. Parents can “listen” by observing cues, responding calmly, and validating emotions through tone and touch. This develops secure attachment and emotional regulation. Actively listening to infants includes mirroring facial expressions, naming feelings (“you’re upset”), and providing comfort, but supporting autonomy and independent exploration too. This early support sets the stage for later verbal communication and confidence.
Talking so Kids Will Listen
When parents take emotional ownership of a child’s behavior interfering with the parent’s needs, they must communicate 1) clearly and 2) respectfully. Power prevents cooperation. Demanding or ordering bypasses the child’s thinking and generates subservience and resistance. Put-downs or cutting remarks damage self-esteem and cause defensiveness and resentment.
“You” messages cast blame and provoke defensiveness, so it’s best to avoid them. “I” messages about our feelings and the impact of the child’s behavior shift communication from blame to information. This allows a more constructive response. An effective “I” message has (1) a description of the behavior, (2) our feelings about it, and (3) the impact on us. This avoids moral judgments and emphasizes cause-and-effect. It respects the child’s autonomy and encourages impersonal problem-solving.
Poor: “What is wrong with you?! I’ve told you a 1000 times…”
Instead try: “I recall talking about this. Do you disagree? Is there some part you’re having trouble understanding?”
Poor: “You’re old enough to know better. I taught you better than this.”
Instead try: “It seems like we should talk more about this topic. What were you expecting to happen?”
Poor: “When you act out, I feel ashamed to call you my son.”
Instead try: “I’m concerned that when you [do x] this [x bad thing] will happen.”
Poor: “I just can’t believe you would do that, I’m so embarrassed.”
Instead try: “I feel disappointed and confused by your decision. Please help me understand what led to [x action].”
Beware of mistakes. Over-reliance on praise can cause fear of failure, a "static" mindset. Also, disguising “you-messages” as “I-messages” or by overemphasizing the negative, ex. “I feel angry every time you mess things up,” is still harmful. Your child will see your true intention and adapt to manipulations for the worse, even if they do not understand what is happening.
Changing the Environment
Sometimes the easiest way to change a behavior is to change the environment around the behavior to make cooperation more likely:
Stimulating, varied activities can foster curiosity and reduce boredom-driven misbehavior.
Simplifying or reducing distractions can improve focus and calm.
Organizing spaces promotes independence and peace.
Fixing hazards or temptations reduces corrections and improves safety.
Reasonable boundaries—such as safe play or designated mess zones— teach limits and promote both freedom and security.
Offering alternatives instead of refusing requests can encourage cooperation, creativity, and negotiation.
Advance notice of transitions or changes allows kids to adjust to expectations.
Involving older children in planning, rules, and responsibilities increases buy-in and decreases resistance.
Losing Parent-Child Conflicts
Parents and kids both have needs, goals, and limits. Conflicts are unavoidable, but the way conflicts are handled determines whether the relationship grows stronger or weaker. Traditional authoritarian, win-lose methods, where the parent dominates or the child manipulates the parent, lead to a breakdown of the relationship.
Parents often feel they must (1) use power to win the conflict or (2) yield to avoid confrontation. Both choices defer to absolute power, and both approaches create frustration in children. Parental power objectifies the child, which undermines trust and teaches rebellion or subservience. Yielding or giving in to the child’s power sacrifices parental needs and creates entitlement, while abandoning the child’s need for discipline and comforting limitation.
The Father’s Curse or The Ungrateful Son, Jean-Baptiste Greuze, 1777
Domineering
Using power for training requires a militant structure—constant vigilance, enforcement, and compliance, which are not realistic in a family unit. Democratic input is required by those with a stake in the outcome. When the parent creates and enforces rules without the child’s input, conflict ensues, creating rebellion and teaching children compliance out of fear. Hostility and dishonesty are the natural result of assertive, dominating power.
Parents who lack confident power may resort to emotionally manipulative power. They may be prone to cruelty or dramatic emotions to recapture control. Kids in this scenario become parentified to counteract unrestrained parental emotional controls. If severe enough, kids will develop dependence and submissiveness, becoming overly eager to please (fawning) but lacking creativity, courage, or initiative.
Both child outcomes result in kids hiding feelings, blaming others, cheating, or forming alliances against parents. Over time, power struggles damage self-esteem and erode relationships. It creates weaknesses that kids will carry into adolescence and adulthood. It may cause withdrawal and emotional regression. If left unattended, it can also damage intellectual development.
Many adults believe children want strict authority and limits, or that consistency makes authority acceptable. Others see it as a parental duty to shape the child’s behavior directly. In reality, power persists in child-rearing largely due to tradition and expedience, not because it’s effective, and parental power inevitably runs out as children age into the teen years. Moving toward collaborative methods respects both parties’ needs and produces healthier outcomes.
Spoiling
When the parent relinquishes their needs and goals entirely, they feel weak and frenetic. They may capitulate to the smallest demands to avoid emotional escalation. Children will feel insecure and unprotected. They may cultivate narcissistic demands to dominate the parent into supporting them, but it will only make them feel weaker. It will teach them volatility in order to get their needs met. Habitual yielding also deprives children of the opportunity to learn empathy for the needs of others, since they always get their way.
Many adults believe that a child should have the best, that parents can give without worry. This is an abdication of the parenting role, which accepts the whole child and teaches them to direct and train their drives, their “id” or intrusive thoughts. Providing structure and negotiation helps the child learn to control their own scary impulses and emotions.
Both methods fail to teach children how to resolve disagreements constructively. Neither approach develops problem-solving skills or mutual respect. They reinforce a power struggle hierarchy mentality and can polarize the relationship.
The alternative? A collaborative, no-lose approach.
Joining Resolves Conflict
Conflict significantly reduces when both parent and child (3) contribute to a solution. Participation in creating the solution motivates kids to follow through. Less enforcement means less stress for parents. Joint problem-solving also increases the chances of finding a high-quality solution, develops thinking skills, and strengthens relationships. Approach conflict as follows:
Identify and define the conflict clearly so both parent and child understand both sides of the issue.
Generate possible solutions together, brainstorming a list without judgment.
Evaluate the options, considering the needs of both parent and child.
Decide on the best solution jointly, selecting the option most likely to satisfy both parties.
Implement the decision, making sure the responsibilities of each party are clear.
Follow up to evaluate how well it worked. Repeat the process to adjust if necessary.
Joint solutions can reach a consensus and are worth the time. You will not signal weakness nor lose your child’s respect. Your interest in a solution that works for them will often be reciprocated. Delegation and listening increase respect, just as they do in business management. Joint solutions transform the overall culture of the household over time, reducing the need for power.
The Young Artist School Recess, Eduard Schulz-Briesen, 1875
Implementation Challenges
Expect initial distrust and resistance. When children are accustomed to “winning,” early attempts may be rocky. Sometimes no acceptable solution emerges right away. Parents may revert to power when frustrated or wrongly emphasize punishment in the decision. Children may doubt parental sincerity, and if the parent reverts to previous bad habits of dominating or placating, children’s doubts will be justified. Persistence yields results.
Parents should remember to use active listening and I-messages even when agreements are broken. Parents can coach siblings to use the same steps, teaching them lifelong conflict-resolution skills. Parents may initially handle conflicts differently. Consistency in the process—not in authority—helps the child trust both parents. Over time, both parents can align their approach.
Parents may occasionally need to use authority in emergencies or to prevent harm. This is fine, provided parents and kids talk afterwards and work towards a solution together.
Avoid Being Fired as a Parent
Children develop a sense of autonomy and fairness early in life. As children grow and express their individuality, they increasingly choose whether to hear or ignore their parents. When parents recognize their rights, it fosters mutual respect and prevents alienation.
Parents can still transmit their values by modeling pro-social behavior in the home rather than coercing children into compliance. They can live their values openly, explain their reasoning, and invite dialogue. As kids grow up, credibility increasingly matters more than authority, and parents who maintain good relationships with their kids make the shift from facilitation and administration to roles as consultants.
Parents Can Change
Sometimes improving relationships and preventing conflict means changing our attitudes or expectations rather than a child’s behavior. Our attitudes are learned and can be unlearned. Honest self-examination of preferences and biases can reveal what triggers conflicts and allow us to make new decisions. With practice, we can replace reactive habits with skills that support mutual respect. Our preferred values and beliefs are not the only good values in existence. Openness to differences reduces unnecessary power struggles over minor issues or conflicts which detract from our long-term goals.
Do we really like children, or just being in control? Viewing children as separate people, rather than possessions or reflections of our egos, reduces control struggles. Children are individuals with their unique paths.
Sometimes taking care of our needs first helps us avoid exploiting our kids as an emotional support. Healthy adult relationships help us avoid triangulating kids into adult conflicts.
Self-acceptance helps them and us too. Parents who forgive their own mistakes can model self-compassion and resilience, allowing children to connect with them more easily.
Note: Mentors
Children have many adult influences—teachers, coaches, relatives, and parents of friends. We cannot control all these influences but can model healthy communication, set clear boundaries, and support our kids in navigating inconsistent standards. Collaborating with other adults helps provide a consistent, supportive environment. Moreover, the positive elements of even problematic adult choices can produce successful career interests or relationship lessons—if we have built a positive, consultative relationship with our kids.
Summation
Parenting is a complex role, yet most parents are expected to succeed entirely through trial and error. Improving communication, reducing conflict, and fostering genuine cooperation provide overwhelming help. By listening actively, speaking with clarity, and approaching conflicts as shared problems, parents can increase their children’s emotional resilience and their sense of competence.
We do not need perfect parents. We need real people who model empathy, honesty, and flexibility—qualities that children internalize far more deeply than any lecture. Consistent practice of these values creates an environment of mutual respect and trust that lasts well beyond childhood. These skills will strengthen your family relationships and also prepare your children for healthier connections throughout their lives. If you’re unsure how to apply in practice, check out the article Better Communication.
